What Not To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant

"I finished the Oreos."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had had a baby."

"I hope your thighs aren't going to stay that flabby forever!"

"Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy!, that's gonna hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm so jealous, why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are you ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your own ice cream."

"Geez, you look awfully puffy today."

"Got milk?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?"

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagasar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!"

"Well, can't they induce labor? It's the Super Bowl!"

"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

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